It has been such a long time since I posted anything, so much has been going on.
I had a job for a few months with a friend, helping her with her podcast, but unfortunately I will not be able to continue with her for financial reasons so I’m once again looking for a job. I’ve been applying to all kinds of companies from office worker to retail to customer service, the one area I have tons of experience in, and nothing is happening. It’s really quite depressing.
I was also recently diagnosed with chronic depression, go figure. So, I’m looking for work again, have no money again, and no one seems to want to hire me. Seriously, it’s annoying. I got really mad at God the other day. I just wanted to be out of this difficult season and can’t understand why I’m still in it! What the heck, right?? I’m tired of it, over it. Is there something I haven’t learned? Have I not been patient? Have I not come to You in prayer enough? Have I not trusted You enough? Just let it be over already! I want stable income and less stress and to be able to pay for gas and food without relying on others. Why can’t I have that???
Frustration, annoyance, anger…
My twin sister reminded me that it’s okay to be angry, even at God. Read Psalms, she said, David got plenty angry. It doesn’t mean you don’t still trust that God will do what He needs to, or that you don’t believe anymore. It’s normal to be upset when you don’t understand something, and really, how often does God explain Himself? I guess that’s what belief is, trusting that God has everything handled even when we can’t see it, even when life is hard, even through the anger.
And it’s Really. Hard. Right. Now.
The one thing I continually tell myself is this: God is mighty. God is faithful. God’s got this. Joshua 1:9 comes to mind:
“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”
So I’m trying, I’m really trying.
I had a dream the other night. I was at this store, like a little general store, the kind that has everything you need. The store was on this hill near a river. I walked up this path and when I turned around the path was flooded! I looked to my right and there were people actually jumping into the rushing water to be carried away, but I was safe on a hill. Across the river there was an even larger body of water, like a huge lake. The waves on the lake were gigantic, out of proportion big, know what I mean? I felt very small but I wasn’t afraid of it, it was amazing and beautiful, and I was safe. I thought it was the weirdest dream, I couldn’t make sense of it. Then I read Psalm 124 that morning.
“If the Lord had not been on our side—
let Israel say—
2 if the Lord had not been on our side
when people attacked us,
3 they would have swallowed us alive
when their anger flared against us;
4 the flood would have engulfed us,
the torrent would have swept over us,
5 the raging waters
would have swept us away.
6 Praise be to the Lord,
who has not let us be torn by their teeth.
7 We have escaped like a bird
from the fowler’s snare;
the snare has been broken,
and we have escaped.
8 Our help is in the name of the Lord,
the Maker of heaven and earth.”
God was reminding me of His power, that He is keeping me safe and will provide all I need.
Don’t you just love that?! I felt so much better after that and even though I am still job searching and still feel somewhat concerned, because I am human, the level of stress has lessened quite a bit. It’s such a lovely feeling.
On a completely different note, my oldest daughter is getting married over Memorial Day weekend! She’s done such a good job organizing everything, all that’s left is the flowers and of course those can’t be done until just before the wedding. Her dress is at the bridal shop getting pressed this week and one of my sister’s and I will have the veil completed by the end of this week. I have a dress, a cute bag and now only need shoes. Lots of people will be here, family is coming into town next week, it’s going to be a fabulous celebration!
So, as you can see, it’s been a very up and down year for me so far. I am so thankful for my family, good friends and great church support. Thank you, Lord, for holding me together and for reminding me that through it all, You will always be there!