All about a dog

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about getting a dog.

I’ve been telling myself, and others, for the last year and a half that I don’t want a dog.  I live in an apartment, it costs extra to have a pet, I’d have to go out in all kinds of weather to walk it, etc.

The problem is, I’m still having a bit of a hard time with the whole empty-nester thing.  I have no purpose other than going to work and church.  On my days off I find myself bingeing on Netflix or watching movies – in other words, I’ve turned into a first-rate couch potato.  I get out on occasion, but not nearly enough.

I’m not doing things around the house regularly either, like cleaning.  This is also one of my symptoms of a depression.  I have a couple of books and a screenplay I started writing that I have let go dormant.  I don’t write as often in this blog and I’ve become quite negative at work, which is never a good thing.  In other words – I’m not really living.

I have started to change little things to get out of this funk, like joining a group talking about intentional living, but I lived so much of the last 14 years raising my kids that I just miss nurturing, I think.  Now I need to figure out how to nurture myself, because we, as parents, can get a bit lost in our kids.  That’s why it is so hard to adapt when they inevitably leave home.  Some days, more often than I want to admit, I need a reason to get out of bed and enjoy the day.

So, in return for the help a dog would give me, I will help the dog too by adopting one out of a shelter.  This isn’t something that will happen right away, I need to save up the money for a pet deposit at my apartment, and an adoption fee, food etc., but the plan is definitely more solid than it was at the beginning of the year – and by that I mean there was no plan…

It may be a small purpose, a small step in intentional living, but that’s how progress is made, right?  One step at a time.

Where to start…

It has been such a long time since I posted anything, so much has been going on.

I had a job for a few months with a friend, helping her with her podcast, but unfortunately I will not be able to continue with her for financial reasons so I’m once again looking for a job.  I’ve been applying to all kinds of companies from office worker to retail to customer service, the one area I have tons of experience in, and nothing is happening.  It’s really quite depressing.

I was also recently diagnosed with chronic depression, go figure.  So, I’m looking for work again, have no money again, and no one seems to want to hire me.  Seriously, it’s annoying.  I got really mad at God the other day.  I just wanted to be out of this difficult season and can’t understand why I’m still in it!  What the heck, right??  I’m tired of it, over it.  Is there something I haven’t learned?  Have I not been patient? Have I not come to You in prayer enough?  Have I not trusted You enough?  Just let it be over already!  I want stable income and less stress and to be able to pay for gas and food without relying on others.  Why can’t I have that???

Frustration, annoyance, anger…

My twin sister reminded me that it’s okay to be angry, even at God.  Read Psalms, she said, David got plenty angry.  It doesn’t mean  you don’t still trust that God will do what He needs to, or that you don’t believe anymore.  It’s normal to be upset when you don’t understand something, and really, how often does God explain Himself?  I guess that’s what belief is, trusting that God has everything handled even when we can’t see it, even when life is hard, even through the anger.

And it’s Really. Hard. Right. Now.

The one thing I continually tell myself is this: God is mighty. God is faithful. God’s got this.  Joshua 1:9 comes to mind:

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”

So I’m trying, I’m really trying.

I had  a dream the other night.  I was at this store, like a little general store, the kind that has everything you need.  The store was on this hill near a river.  I walked up this path and when I turned around the path was flooded!  I looked to my right and there were people actually jumping into the rushing water to be carried away, but I was safe on a hill.  Across the river there was an even larger body of water, like a huge lake.  The waves on the lake were gigantic, out of proportion big, know what I mean?  I felt very small but I wasn’t afraid of it, it was amazing and beautiful, and I was safe.  I thought it was the weirdest dream, I couldn’t make sense of it.  Then I read Psalm 124 that morning.

“If the Lord had not been on our side—
    let Israel say—
2 if the Lord had not been on our side
    when people attacked us,
3 they would have swallowed us alive
    when their anger flared against us;
4 the flood would have engulfed us,
    the torrent would have swept over us,
5 the raging waters
    would have swept us away.

6 Praise be to the Lord,
    who has not let us be torn by their teeth.
7 We have escaped like a bird
    from the fowler’s snare;
the snare has been broken,
    and we have escaped.
8 Our help is in the name of the Lord,
    the Maker of heaven and earth.”

God was reminding me of His power, that He is keeping me safe and will provide all I need.

Don’t you just love that?!  I felt so much better after that and even though I am still job searching and still feel somewhat concerned, because I am human, the level of stress has lessened quite a bit.  It’s such a lovely feeling.

On a completely different note, my oldest daughter is getting married over Memorial Day weekend!  She’s done such a good job organizing everything, all that’s left is the flowers and of course those can’t be done until just before the wedding.  Her dress is at the bridal shop getting pressed this week and one of my sister’s and I will have the veil completed by the end of this week.  I have a dress, a cute bag and now only need shoes.  Lots of people will be here, family is coming into town next week, it’s going to be a fabulous celebration!

So, as you can see, it’s been a very up and down year for me so far.  I am so thankful for my family, good friends and great church support.  Thank you, Lord, for holding me together and for reminding me that through it all, You will always be there!

 

Take a walk

Feeling low again as yet another job interview proves fruitless

I’ve always been more prone to sitting around depressed than doing something about it. I wallow, I’m a wallower.  I’m fighting against that more and more as my state of joblessness stretches toward it’s sixth month.  My unemployment benefits will run out at the beginning of the year and, while I know God has everything covered, I’m struggling to hope today.

Every time I think I see a glimmer at the end of this tunnel it gets snuffed out.  I know there are plenty of people out there who have a lot more to be depressed about than I do.  I’m not sick, my kids are healthy, I have a home and clothes and a car and WiFi, for crying out loud.  I mean, what is WiFi compared to clean water and shoes for my feet?

All the logical thinking in the world can’t get through to us sometimes, you know?  That’s me today.  I don’t even feel like picking up my bible.  I’m listening to Kari Jobe on YouTube as I write this and even that isn’t helping.  I’m in the middle of a moat filled with black tar.  It’s stinky and sticky, but it’s like I’d rather sit here than make the effort to pull myself out, the drawbridge feels too far out of reach.

I think what I need is to get out of this apartment, take a walk.  Sometimes it’s the simplest thing that can help us, don’t you think?  If you’re feeling like me today, go take a walk.  No music, no phone calls, just go out and enjoy God’s creation and remember, YOU’RE His creation too.

All He creates is good.

Wallowing

I have found myself hitting one of those moments again.  You know the kind, or at least some of you do.  It’s a new year and looking back on 2012 I wonder, what did I do with that year?  I started writing a couple of books, both still in the works.  I blogged more.  I took a great trip with my twin sister and mother during the summer.  I worked a lot and gained a little bit more weight.  I saw my oldest daughter off to university, my son went to live with his father and my youngest daughter became a teenager.  

The one thing that still eludes me, that I find myself thinking about more often when I hit a little depression like this, is love.  Not the love of my children, family or friends.  I’ve been blessed many times over with that.  No, I’m talking about a companion, significant other, husband.  In ten months I’ll have been single for ten years after a twelve year marriage.  When I first became single it was easy to occupy my thoughts with other things.  The kids were still young, I was trying to make ends meet on a part time salary and food stamps.  I had way too many pressing matters to worry about than whether I’d ever be married again.  Not that I didn’t think about it from time to time. 

As the kids get older, however, I find the thought of a man in my life comes to the forefront of my mind more often.  What will I be when the kids are all grown and gone?  Can I be an empty nester on my own?  I tend to stay to myself when the kids aren’t with me.  I don’t leave the apartment except to take the dog out or go grocery shopping or to church.  I hermitize my life, if that’s a word.  When I’m not working I watch movies, drink a glass of wine.  I find my escape in film and television.  When I should be working on my book (or starting the screenplay) I turn on Netflix instead.  When I should be exercising I’ll go to my computer and catch up on my favorite T.V. shows with online episodes, shows I can’t watch when they air because I’m working so much.  Then I’ll wallow in my dejection because I’m not moving my life forward in the direction I wish it would move. 

One definition of “wallow” is : to become or remain helpless.  Helpless, I’m allowing myself to be helpless.  I used to be extremely good at playing the victim, a bad habit I’ve worked very hard to overcome.  Yet, while I find myself playing the strong independent person to everyone else, I am still a victim.  I’m a victim of my own inaction, my own helplessness. 

I need to focus on another definition of “wallow” : to devote oneself entirely; especially : to take unrestrained pleasure : delight.

Delight – a word I don’t often use about my life.  Don’t get me wrong, I have a far easier, less traumatic life than others I can think of but do I take delight in it?  No, I truly don’t.  God means for us to prosper in this life but I don’t believe that necessarily means monetarily.  Our delight, our joy, our happiness – we should be prosperous in that.  Why do I find that so hard? 

I think it’s because I still link my happiness, my success in life, to my marital status – or the lack thereof.  Is it easier on men,  I wonder, to be single?  Society tells women we aren’t whole without a husband.  I find myself being asked over and over again “Are you dating?”  When I say I’m not I’m met with “That’s ok, you’ll find someone” or some other similar comment.  It’s not meant in a mean-spirited way, it’s just how we as a society think.  It just makes things more difficult because then I start to wonder, what am I doing wrong, aside from hermitizing?  What more do I need to do to deserve a relationship? 

Deserve a relationship – now there’s a look into my psyche.  A big, wallowing look.  I don’t really believe God feels I don’t deserve a relationship.  That’s all me.  That’s what comes out when I’m in one of my moods, self-pity.  Not introspection, not thoughts on how to pull myself out.  Just a lot of wondering what I’m doing wrong. 

Yuck, ok this is getting a bit deeper than I was expecting.  I want to take a step back.  I know what path my thoughts will take if I continue to focus on the negative.  Instead I’m going to focus on more positives aspects of what this year could bring.  I want to finish my book/screenplay.  I want to lose weight, seriously as my twin and I have decided to each lose fifty pounds by the time we turn fifty.  I want to get new headshots – a friend of mine has graciously offered to do them for free.  I want to read through the Bible, I’ve never read all the way through it.  These are not New Years resolutions, I don’t do those.  I am hoping that by writing these goals down I have a better chance of getting through them.   

One more big one – no more wallowing.  It’s self-destructive, demotivating and just downright energy sucking.  This will be the hard one.  There are certain times of the year I find it more difficult to get through.  I think I will make it a point to go out and do one thing for myself every month.  Whether it be go to a movie, buy a pair of shoes, or get together with friends for coffee.  Whatever I do, it will get me out of my apartment and into life again.  I miss that too, being around other people.  One of the ‘cons’ of working from home.

So, 2013, I will delight in you one month, one week at a time.  I will look for, and do my best to recognize, joy.  I will take unrestrained pleasure in the wonders God presents us with every day.  Then maybe, just maybe, in one special moment when I’ve fully realized I am surrounded by all the love I need, I’ll meet my husband and know he is just icing on the already magnificent cake.  God only knows…

Happy New Year