Broken and Blessed

This past weekend was one of the most amazing, challenging and emotional times in recent memory for me.  I went to a women’s conference with my church.  I’d never been to one before but had a couple of friends urging me to attend.  The only reason I could go on this one was due to a generous “way-maker” who paid for me, and thank God they did!

I wasn’t sure what to expect.  I knew that, in general, there would be fellowship, singing, probably some crying, definitely some praising.  As we sat at our tables in the conference room that first night I looked around and saw a lot of familiar faces, but more unfamiliar ones.  That was part of the deal though right, to get to know more women from the church?  I am not someone who tends to make friends with women easily.  I’ve always been intimidated by other women and compared myself to them, especially those I felt seemed to have it all together; nice clothes, good hair, pretty, etc.

Our speaker was Carey Scott.  I had never heard of her but you can be sure I’ll never forget her now.  Carey’s message was on leading an authentic life.  Friday night, our first session, she was randomly pointing to women in the room and affirming them.  I was one of those women and what God said to me through her just rocked me back on my heels!  She said something along the lines of the talents God had given me, and that He would use them for wonderful things.

I have been struggling with that lately.  You see, I have always believed that God doesn’t give us just one gift, but a multitude of them.  I haven’t felt that I am using God’s gifts in the manner in which I should be on a regular basis.  If you don’t know me or haven’t read my past blogs I’ll just say really quickly that I have a passion for the arts.  More specifically acting, singing and production in the theater spectrum which is why I’m so heavily involved with the worship team at my church.  I’ve also discovered a love of writing, hence this blog.

Anyway, the job I have right now is in customer service.  Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful for my job, I just don’t see it fitting in with those gifts I mentioned above.  I know I am there for a reason, God has the plan not me, but I’ve been wondering lately when I’ll be able to move on to something that uses my passions.  So you can see why that first night at the conference had such an impact on me.

That night we had a few “party” rooms to go to and a bingo game to play that would help us meet more women in the group.  When I say party, I mean rooms in which we could congregate, get to know each other, eat some food, drink some hot chocolate, get pictures taken with fun costumes on etc., don’t let your imaginations run too wild here.

In one of these rooms I met a new friend.  We chatted a little bit about the church and then she started to open up about herself.  She admitted she was a talker and I was happy to sit and listen as she spoke about how difficult it could be for her to get close to people, to really let them in and allow them to see  her.  I have a sister who is very similar so I could relate and decided if she wanted to talk to me I’d just let  her, so I didn’t say much.  The next day she ended up sitting at the same table with me during our morning session and then we ate lunch together.  As it turned out she was going to have to leave because of a personal situation she had to handle at home.  I again sat and listened while she went into a bit of detail about it.  I made sure to get her phone number so I could check back with her the next day.  After the lunch we hugged, I told her to make sure she went to church on Sunday, and then she left.

Before the evening session a friend of mine and I had a conversation about how we were feeling about the weekend so far.  We’d had an opportunity during the morning session to fill out a questionnaire of sorts about what things discussed up to then had impacted us and why.  It was a time to spend on our own with God and hopefully to open up some doors that may have been cracked a bit from Carey’s talks.  We both opened up about realizations we’d had during that quiet time and something she said to me was surprising.  She said I had a gift, a way of being approachable, that made people feel I was safe, someone they could talk to about their troubles.  This shocked me because earlier that day the mother of a friend of mine (and now a friend herself), said something similar but I hadn’t thought much about it.

During the evening session we had some time to go to different stations in the room. One with pillows so we could humble ourselves before God (I went there first), another to journal about our time so far, one where we could post praises and another where we could pray with someone.  It was during this session that I met another new friend.  She was sitting at my table when I came back from the pillow station and asked if there was anything she could pray about for me.  We decided to head to the prayer station.  When we sat down she started talking.  She was a single mother and spoke of the struggles she’d had with that aspect of her life.  Again, I could relate being a single mom myself, so I just sat and let her talk.  We prayed and cried, and yes that was only one in many crying episodes for the weekend.  I found myself telling this new friend that I felt I was wasting God’s gifts in my current position and she said she didn’t think that was true.  She said she didn’t know why she’d opened up to me but that she was sure my calm, caring nature lent itself well to customer service.

I can honestly say I had not thought about it that way.  Why?  Because I hadn’t recognized that part of my character as a gift.  To me it was just something I did.  I actually felt that sometimes I was too much of a pushover and berated myself for it.  Talk about an eye-opener!

Now you may ask, how does this fit in with my other gifts?  Well, here is what I think (granted God may have a different view but hear me out).  I truly feel the entertainment industry is my mission field, and I can’t wait to get into it.  However, if I am to be effective as a light for God in that industry I HAVE to be able to listen well, to embrace what the other person is going through and if need be, not speak much at all.  I think sometimes when we are trying to glorify God we push too much.  We have an agenda and by heavens, the other people are going to hear us out!!

I am not made that way.

Something else Carey said this weekend that really made an impact on me was “You are an intentional creation”.  There is a reason I am who I am and where I am in my life right now.  No, not just right now.  There is a reason for every step I take in this life, and every misstep.

Living authentically, to me, means to embrace where I am and who I am every day.  God needs me to be this person to glorify Him.  I have to stop limiting myself, because that limits Him.

After this weekend I find I am more broken than I realized but I am also immeasurably blessed.  We all are, I’m willing to bet.   I challenge you to accept yourself, warts and all, because you are amazing!  If that means you have to break down and cry every day for God to fill you, then do it.  I have cried more in public over the last few days than I think I ever have in my life.  That opened a huge door for me, being able to do that.  Another great nugget of truth from Carey is that you have to empty yourself before God can fill you.  It’s hard, it’s uncomfortable, but the benefits will  outweigh the struggle in the end. Always.

Life is a constant battle, the enemy is always looking for a way in

… but God

I’m going to give Carey a big plug here because she is an inspiration, I love her!  Go to her website via the link below.  Sign up for her blog, she offers up so much of herself, she’s simply beautiful.

Carey Scott Talks

Also look up Megan Isaacson on YouTube.  She led the worship this weekend and is an old friend of mine from way back when we served together at Foothills Community Church.  She is a blessing!  Below is her ministry website.

River Wild Ministries