We’re at just under three weeks and my Samantha will be in boot camp.
She did more work in her room last night; found more trash, more things to give away. She filled her saddle bag and black duffel with who knows what and asked me to do some laundry for her. I haven’t seen her room look this clean in ages! I’m glad she took my advice to get it cleared up now instead of later.
The night before last she was hungry but didn’t want to have to actually cook anything for herself so I made her a PBJ sandwich. We sat up talking until 10:30pm, well, talking and laughing and a little crying. I haven’t seen much of her lately so I am treasuring every moment.
I didn’t hear her leave for school this morning. I ALWAYS hear her leave so I must have been really tired, or that one beer really knocked me out! I will have to get used to that, (no, not one beer knocking me out) not hearing her leave for school or come home from a night out with friends. That will be so strange.
There is a gathering tonight for recruit parents. I’ll be meeting the parents of the girl Sam is buddying up with for boot camp. That will be nice. We’ll all be able to keep in touch and help support each other over the summer. I get teary-eyed just thinking about all of it.
Sam promised to finish my paintings as a Mother’s Day gift for me. I want to see them hanging above my couch in the living room before she leaves. I really hope she gets them done and I’m trying not to push too much but if she doesn’t do them now it won’t get done at all. She won’t want to spend her leave painting and I wouldn’t want her to.
So many little things as time ticks away, important things, final things….
It hit me tonight, (as I was talking to my 17yr old at 10:45pm about the 10:00pm curfew we’d agreed upon for school nights) that by the time said 17yr old child graduates from high school in May of 2017, I’ll have been a single parent for thirteen years and seven months.
Over 13 years – that just boggles my mind – and in nine months it will all be over, give or take…
Now, as any parent knows, you don’t STOP being a parent just because your kids grow up. The relationship just moves to a different level. I already have two children who are out on their own, one of them is married. My last is hoping to be in the military in a year. All children eventually walk their own path. I’m reminded of a poem by Kahlil Gibran that I read for an acting workshop I attended while my kids were still young.
On Children
Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself. They come through you but not from you. And though they are with you, they belong not to you. You may give them your love but not your thoughts. For they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, Which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams. You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you. For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday. You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth. The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite. And He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far. Let your bending in the archer’s hands be for happiness; For even as He loves the arrow that flies, So He loves the bow that is stable.
I remember barely being able to get through the reading I was so choked up. “You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth” So very poignant, and heart wrenching, and inspiring. I pray I’ve been a stable bow, that I’ve done the best I could do. There’s much I regret not being able to do for them, but the one thing I always tried to do was show them plenty of love and support for where they saw their lives heading.
I have not been a “perfect” parent, not sure there is such a thing. There were plenty of times when I lost my temper, especially at the beginning of my single parent journey. There were also plenty of times when I asked for forgiveness and gave it, asked for a hug and got it. Forts were made in the living room, chocolate cake was eaten for birthday breakfasts. Kids did their chores (or not…), we watched movies, went out to eat when the budget allowed and did our best to live together in happiness. Discipline was meted out when necessary, from spankings to groundings to sitting in the middle of the living room with knees touching saying nice things about the other sibling (the last one seemed the most painful for them).
Did my children learn anything from me? I would hope they learned that none of us is perfect but with compassion and love, happiness can exist wherever you are, whatever you’re doing.
In the end, after all is said and done, we turn the last page of our children’s books and watch with expectation at where God leads them. We keep praying for them, we may even hear from them every once in awhile. We have done our part.
“And though they are with you, they belong not to you”
This was not the post I was expecting to write tonight, but it’s what came out. Some other time I’ll write more about the single parent thing. For now, though, I’ll sit with the realization that a very big chapter in my life is nearing its end, and while I watch with hope as my youngest prepares to start her journey into a new life, I also look with anticipation at my OWN life, and the new possibilities God has in store for me as well.
It has been such a long time since I posted anything, so much has been going on.
I had a job for a few months with a friend, helping her with her podcast, but unfortunately I will not be able to continue with her for financial reasons so I’m once again looking for a job. I’ve been applying to all kinds of companies from office worker to retail to customer service, the one area I have tons of experience in, and nothing is happening. It’s really quite depressing.
I was also recently diagnosed with chronic depression, go figure. So, I’m looking for work again, have no money again, and no one seems to want to hire me. Seriously, it’s annoying. I got really mad at God the other day. I just wanted to be out of this difficult season and can’t understand why I’m still in it! What the heck, right?? I’m tired of it, over it. Is there something I haven’t learned? Have I not been patient? Have I not come to You in prayer enough? Have I not trusted You enough? Just let it be over already! I want stable income and less stress and to be able to pay for gas and food without relying on others. Why can’t I have that???
Frustration, annoyance, anger…
My twin sister reminded me that it’s okay to be angry, even at God. Read Psalms, she said, David got plenty angry. It doesn’t mean you don’t still trust that God will do what He needs to, or that you don’t believe anymore. It’s normal to be upset when you don’t understand something, and really, how often does God explain Himself? I guess that’s what belief is, trusting that God has everything handled even when we can’t see it, even when life is hard, even through the anger.
And it’s Really. Hard. Right. Now.
The one thing I continually tell myself is this: God is mighty. God is faithful. God’s got this. Joshua 1:9 comes to mind:
“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”
So I’m trying, I’m really trying.
I had a dream the other night. I was at this store, like a little general store, the kind that has everything you need. The store was on this hill near a river. I walked up this path and when I turned around the path was flooded! I looked to my right and there were people actually jumping into the rushing water to be carried away, but I was safe on a hill. Across the river there was an even larger body of water, like a huge lake. The waves on the lake were gigantic, out of proportion big, know what I mean? I felt very small but I wasn’t afraid of it, it was amazing and beautiful, and I was safe. I thought it was the weirdest dream, I couldn’t make sense of it. Then I read Psalm 124 that morning.
“If the Lord had not been on our side— let Israel say— 2 if the Lord had not been on our side when people attacked us, 3 they would have swallowed us alive when their anger flared against us; 4 the flood would have engulfed us, the torrent would have swept over us, 5 the raging waters would have swept us away.
6 Praise be to the Lord, who has not let us be torn by their teeth. 7 We have escaped like a bird from the fowler’s snare; the snare has been broken, and we have escaped. 8 Our help is in the name of the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.”
God was reminding me of His power, that He is keeping me safe and will provide all I need.
Don’t you just love that?! I felt so much better after that and even though I am still job searching and still feel somewhat concerned, because I am human, the level of stress has lessened quite a bit. It’s such a lovely feeling.
On a completely different note, my oldest daughter is getting married over Memorial Day weekend! She’s done such a good job organizing everything, all that’s left is the flowers and of course those can’t be done until just before the wedding. Her dress is at the bridal shop getting pressed this week and one of my sister’s and I will have the veil completed by the end of this week. I have a dress, a cute bag and now only need shoes. Lots of people will be here, family is coming into town next week, it’s going to be a fabulous celebration!
So, as you can see, it’s been a very up and down year for me so far. I am so thankful for my family, good friends and great church support. Thank you, Lord, for holding me together and for reminding me that through it all, You will always be there!
My oldest daughter, Brittany, got engaged this past weekend to her amazing boyfriend Paul!
Even though I knew it was going to happen at some point, they’ve been dating for four years, it was still a beautiful moment when she and her finance’ told me. I’d been watching their dogs while they went up to Glenwood Springs. They visited the Hot Springs, of course, and then went on a walk up to Hanging Lake, saw frozen waterfalls and toured the Glenwood Caverns. They showed me pictures, it was beautiful!
They have picked out their wedding set, something beautiful and simple that they can afford. Good choice, they can always upgrade later.
As can be expected, a Pinterest page has materialized that is already exploding with ideas on everything wedding. Britt also confessed that she may or may not have had a secret Pinterest page for some time now where she was amassing thoughts on her perfect wedding. What girl doesn’t do that, I ask you!
Since the date is not set, but they are looking at the summer of 2016, there is plenty of time to plan. Nothing is being ruled out at this point, though. Think big then pare ideas down to what fits the budget. There are all kinds of things one can do for very little money, especially if one has a creative bent like the one that runs in our family.
Britt changed her FB status just before I started writing this, comments have already flooded in, so exciting! All of the immediate family had already been informed, of course. It’s just not good form to post in social media until that happens!
As for me, well I cried, couldn’t help it. She’s my first baby, the one you just pray turns out well because the first one is the test subject. My future son-in-law is a gem, love him to death. He’s respectful and treats my daughter well, that’s all a mother could ask, I think.
This initial furor will die down a bit, the avalanche of ideas will settle to a delicate snowfall for a time. In a year everything will start ramping back up to peak excitement as whatever date they choose draws closer, but for now, we get to enjoy this new page in our lives. We’ll take the time to read through it slowly, savoring every word as if it’s a gentle melting snowflake on our tongues.
Then let the floodgates open and frantic activity commence!
I’m sitting at my dining room table enjoying the view out the wide open balcony doors in my new apartment. I can definitely smell spring in the air today. A month ago I never thought this day would come and now here I am, already feeling at home.
My building sits right next to Ralston Creek and a little green belt area. Across the way is an other apartment complex. There are a lot of trees that I can’t wait to see leaf out come spring and a path where I can take up my running again. I can see a kid skateboarding, people walking their dogs and children playing at a playground not too far away. I haven’t had a chance to meet my new neighbors yet but I’ll get to that soon I hope. There were actually a couple that came to the apartment yesterday but I wasn’t there, I was back at the old place turning in my keys, having left a few friends to start unpacking. (Thanks Julie and Karissa, so far I think I’ve found almost everything in my kitchen!)
I was completely moved into my new place before noon. Many friends and one of my fabulous sisters helped get this accomplished. They were all amazing! The support I received from everyone brought tears to my eyes. Between a big trailer, a truck, a couple large SUV’s and a van – not to mention my station wagon and another friends vehicle – I didn’t have to rent a moving truck, that was nice! After the first load everyone huddled together in the living room and we prayed. One of my friends, a pastor at my church, also blessed the apartment. As we gathered my daughter said “Mom don’t cry”. Right, like THAT was going to happen. I did manage to keep it to just an eye-watering moment, though. Alone in my car on the way back from the old place, however, I did let the dam leak a little bit. Happy tears, my kids and I used to call them.
I feel so blessed to be here. Has that ever happened to you? Just the knowledge that you had actually been called to a place? That’s what my friend said, God calls us to places. Even before furniture was moved in yesterday I felt more comfortable than I have in years. Like I belong here.
My daughter has her room pretty much done already and confessed on Facebook that she’s okay with being here now since we’re not far from Olde Town Arvada, Gunther Toody’s and an Army Surplus store. My friends made sure my kitchen was unpacked, and my furniture looks really good! I love how all my stuff looks at home here, like it belongs as well.
I need to tackle putting my desk back together tomorrow, just don’t feel like doing that today. I will still be working out of my room but that’s okay. I told my daughter as soon as she moves out I’ll turn her room into an office. She didn’t think that was very funny. I still ended up moving some things that belong to my oldest daughter and my son, such is life. After the big “purge” with the move I actually have space to keep their boxes until they can claim them so I’m cool with it.
I do seem to be missing a box. I don’t think there is anything in it that can’t be replaced eventually so I hope someone just overlooked it in their car. I’d hate to think a stranger took something. If that is what happened, however, all I can say is I hope they needed it more than I did. I also have to make another trip back to the old neighborhood tomorrow because I forgot about my storage unit. I’m sure I don’t need anything in it. It’s been so long since I opened it I don’t even really recall what’s there.
I think we also left a bag of cereal in a cupboard so I’ll ask if I can get in to take a look. I double checked all the other closets but didn’t think about checking all of the cabinets in the kitchen. I actually told my sister not to check them, they were emptied already …. or so I thought.
You may recall in my last post I was concerned because my finances weren’t coming together. As I knew He would, God came through in a BIG way. Just this past Sunday I received an envelope from a friend of mine. She said that she and her husband had been saving up some money and she felt God prompting her to help me out. She couldn’t imagine having to put together a move all by herself like I had and she didn’t want me to feel alone. I replied God was continuously showing me that I am NOT alone, through people like her and her husband. You know who you are my friend, I love you and can’t thank you enough. In one simple, and wonderfully generous gift my burden was lifted and I felt a renewed sense of purpose. I cried off and on all day. I love it when God does that!
So, here we are just three days away from the move and my daughter and I are almost ready, thanks in large part to the help of my sister Susan as well as a family friend who came over yesterday and cleared out a room of furniture for me. I have so many things to donate it’s ridiculous, but I’ve mentioned that before, I know.
I am hoping all the donation boxes will be able to be picked up on Friday. I also have some friends who are taking the stereo we never use for their oldest daughter. It’s been around awhile but all the components work – it’s just too big to take to the new place. Maybe I’ll get a Bose system at Christmas or something. Until then we have radio’s and can play CD’s on our computer.
Today I’m tackling my bathroom and tomorrow the rest of the kitchen cleaning. After that all we have to do is pack up odds and ends come Friday, like the few dishes we are using and any non-perishables etc. A little bit of cleaning and we’ll be good to go. I cleaned under the refrigerator last Saturday. Let me tell you, that was gross. I’ll have to make sure I pull out the fridge at the new place at least twice a year to clean. I’m dreading moving the stove, truly dreading it. I got the money orders I need for my deposit and first month’s rent today and they are tucked away safely in my purse. I’ll be taking them to the office at my new apartment and signing the lease on Friday. Another friend of mine is rounding up some help from church and I’ve put out an invite on FB for anyone who would like to come to the moving party!
I’m anxious, excited and wishing everything was done already. I can’t wait to be away from the smell of pot (yes I know, living in Colorado that wish will be hard to fulfill) and instead watch beautiful trees bloom from my balcony. I am finally getting the hang of this patience thing, though. All good things come to those who wait, right? Is it weird that what I consider two rather large faults of mine are impatience and procrastination? You’d think they’d cancel each other out somehow…
Anyway, this post is kind of rambling but that’s about how I feel right now. My thoughts scattered – in one instance I think about what I need to accomplish for work and the next think about what still needs to be cleaned or packed or given away for the move. I’ve got a few days off coming up which I will definitely need.
I think I’ll buy myself a housewarming gift. Wine anyone?
This past weekend was one of the most amazing, challenging and emotional times in recent memory for me. I went to a women’s conference with my church. I’d never been to one before but had a couple of friends urging me to attend. The only reason I could go on this one was due to a generous “way-maker” who paid for me, and thank God they did!
I wasn’t sure what to expect. I knew that, in general, there would be fellowship, singing, probably some crying, definitely some praising. As we sat at our tables in the conference room that first night I looked around and saw a lot of familiar faces, but more unfamiliar ones. That was part of the deal though right, to get to know more women from the church? I am not someone who tends to make friends with women easily. I’ve always been intimidated by other women and compared myself to them, especially those I felt seemed to have it all together; nice clothes, good hair, pretty, etc.
Our speaker was Carey Scott. I had never heard of her but you can be sure I’ll never forget her now. Carey’s message was on leading an authentic life. Friday night, our first session, she was randomly pointing to women in the room and affirming them. I was one of those women and what God said to me through her just rocked me back on my heels! She said something along the lines of the talents God had given me, and that He would use them for wonderful things.
I have been struggling with that lately. You see, I have always believed that God doesn’t give us just one gift, but a multitude of them. I haven’t felt that I am using God’s gifts in the manner in which I should be on a regular basis. If you don’t know me or haven’t read my past blogs I’ll just say really quickly that I have a passion for the arts. More specifically acting, singing and production in the theater spectrum which is why I’m so heavily involved with the worship team at my church. I’ve also discovered a love of writing, hence this blog.
Anyway, the job I have right now is in customer service. Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful for my job, I just don’t see it fitting in with those gifts I mentioned above. I know I am there for a reason, God has the plan not me, but I’ve been wondering lately when I’ll be able to move on to something that uses my passions. So you can see why that first night at the conference had such an impact on me.
That night we had a few “party” rooms to go to and a bingo game to play that would help us meet more women in the group. When I say party, I mean rooms in which we could congregate, get to know each other, eat some food, drink some hot chocolate, get pictures taken with fun costumes on etc., don’t let your imaginations run too wild here.
In one of these rooms I met a new friend. We chatted a little bit about the church and then she started to open up about herself. She admitted she was a talker and I was happy to sit and listen as she spoke about how difficult it could be for her to get close to people, to really let them in and allow them to see her. I have a sister who is very similar so I could relate and decided if she wanted to talk to me I’d just let her, so I didn’t say much. The next day she ended up sitting at the same table with me during our morning session and then we ate lunch together. As it turned out she was going to have to leave because of a personal situation she had to handle at home. I again sat and listened while she went into a bit of detail about it. I made sure to get her phone number so I could check back with her the next day. After the lunch we hugged, I told her to make sure she went to church on Sunday, and then she left.
Before the evening session a friend of mine and I had a conversation about how we were feeling about the weekend so far. We’d had an opportunity during the morning session to fill out a questionnaire of sorts about what things discussed up to then had impacted us and why. It was a time to spend on our own with God and hopefully to open up some doors that may have been cracked a bit from Carey’s talks. We both opened up about realizations we’d had during that quiet time and something she said to me was surprising. She said I had a gift, a way of being approachable, that made people feel I was safe, someone they could talk to about their troubles. This shocked me because earlier that day the mother of a friend of mine (and now a friend herself), said something similar but I hadn’t thought much about it.
During the evening session we had some time to go to different stations in the room. One with pillows so we could humble ourselves before God (I went there first), another to journal about our time so far, one where we could post praises and another where we could pray with someone. It was during this session that I met another new friend. She was sitting at my table when I came back from the pillow station and asked if there was anything she could pray about for me. We decided to head to the prayer station. When we sat down she started talking. She was a single mother and spoke of the struggles she’d had with that aspect of her life. Again, I could relate being a single mom myself, so I just sat and let her talk. We prayed and cried, and yes that was only one in many crying episodes for the weekend. I found myself telling this new friend that I felt I was wasting God’s gifts in my current position and she said she didn’t think that was true. She said she didn’t know why she’d opened up to me but that she was sure my calm, caring nature lent itself well to customer service.
I can honestly say I had not thought about it that way. Why? Because I hadn’t recognized that part of my character as a gift. To me it was just something I did. I actually felt that sometimes I was too much of a pushover and berated myself for it. Talk about an eye-opener!
Now you may ask, how does this fit in with my other gifts? Well, here is what I think (granted God may have a different view but hear me out). I truly feel the entertainment industry is my mission field, and I can’t wait to get into it. However, if I am to be effective as a light for God in that industry I HAVE to be able to listen well, to embrace what the other person is going through and if need be, not speak much at all. I think sometimes when we are trying to glorify God we push too much. We have an agenda and by heavens, the other people are going to hear us out!!
I am not made that way.
Something else Carey said this weekend that really made an impact on me was “You are an intentional creation”. There is a reason I am who I am and where I am in my life right now. No, not just right now. There is a reason for every step I take in this life, and every misstep.
Living authentically, to me, means to embrace where I am and who I am every day. God needs me to be this person to glorify Him. I have to stop limiting myself, because that limits Him.
After this weekend I find I am more broken than I realized but I am also immeasurably blessed. We all are, I’m willing to bet. I challenge you to accept yourself, warts and all, because you are amazing! If that means you have to break down and cry every day for God to fill you, then do it. I have cried more in public over the last few days than I think I ever have in my life. That opened a huge door for me, being able to do that. Another great nugget of truth from Carey is that you have to empty yourself before God can fill you. It’s hard, it’s uncomfortable, but the benefits will outweigh the struggle in the end. Always.
Life is a constant battle, the enemy is always looking for a way in
… but God
I’m going to give Carey a big plug here because she is an inspiration, I love her! Go to her website via the link below. Sign up for her blog, she offers up so much of herself, she’s simply beautiful.
Also look up Megan Isaacson on YouTube. She led the worship this weekend and is an old friend of mine from way back when we served together at Foothills Community Church. She is a blessing! Below is her ministry website.
About a year ago one of my nieces went through a terrifying ordeal.
She was kidnapped from her apartment, driven into the countryside and, at knife point, was sexually assaulted. For five hours she was taken to different remote spots and violated, again and again. The man actually let her go after he was finished and she was able to run to a house where she found help. The man was found and arrested on numerous charges.
Less than ten months later, three days after my niece married her longtime fiance, the trial against her attacker began. It was completed in about a week and he was found guilty on all counts. Shortly after his attorney filed a motion for appeal. Earlier this week that motion was denied. Just yesterday he was sentenced to a maximum of 80+ years. My niece had said a few months ago that she had already forgiven this man. I remember being amazed that she had been able to bring herself to that step so quickly.
I knew this was right, that justice was served and he needed to pay for his crime. I don’t know of anyone who would disagree with me. I also found myself, well, at odds. I was crying in relief and release, hoping that this news would allow all of us, my niece especially, to move on although truth be told she had already done so and quite well I might add.
I was torn because I was wishing this man ill. How could I, as a Christian, think it was okay that this man was going to spend the rest of his life in prison. I am not someone who holds grudges, who wishes bad things would happen to other people, and yet I found myself praising God. Was that okay?
At the same time I was surprised that I seemed so hesitant to rejoice in this news. Of course it was okay! We all have to face the consequences of our actions, or we should. This man had done something horrendous. He deserved to rot away.
Yet, I could not help but also feel pity.
He is still in his twenties and should he even serve just the minimum time handed down by the judge he will be 80 years old when he gets out. What a waste. It makes you wonder what his life was like before that day in October last year. What would he have been like had he made different decisions in his life, decisions that didn’t take him down that dark path that led to my nieces doorstep?
We will never know, not now.
I have come to realize that I was not really wishing for something horrible to happen to him, only that he be held accountable for what he had done. I also, just over the course of writing this post, have come to the realization that I do forgive him, as my niece has already done. I weep for him now and pray for our prison ministries so that maybe this young man will eventually find salvation. I weep for his wife and family, that they will find understanding and forgiveness for him too.
Is there someone in your life you need to forgive? Maybe all it will take is for you to open up, write down the story, let God in.
I had every intention of sitting down at my desk and writing about my recent training and mileage accomplishment. Instead I sit here holding back tears as I think about a friend of mine who lost his battle with cancer yesterday. Let me tell you about him.
His name was Keith Labriola. I first met him about ten years ago at church. He was helping build sets for a Christmas production. He was this big, towering man with a great smile and huge heart. Keith was very active in mission trips, lending his construction skills to numerous projects. He also helped a ministry we had going for a few years that helped out single moms, like myself, with oil changes. I remember one year in particular I was standing with another friend of mine while the guys worked on my car. He saw me, came jogging over and lifted me up in a great big bear hug. He was always so warm and friendly! Anytime I posted a prayer request or sent one via email he would respond with words of encouragement.
A number of years ago Keith lost his wife to cancer. Because of this he hadn’t been around church for awhile, it was hard for him which is understandable. Recently, however, he did visit and it was so good to see him! I knew he’d been going through something and I was hoping he’d come around again with his new love (and I apologize, I can’t recall her name). I thought it would have been nice to get to know her as well as reconnect with Keith.
It’s amazing how much one person can affect another’s life. Keith was one of the people at church who made me feel at home when I first started attending services. When I think of how many people he most certainly touched over the years with his servant’s heart I can’t help but imagine the size of the room needed in Heaven for the welcoming committee!
Whether I had much of an impact on his life I don’t know, but he did on mine, even if just for a little while. I will remember him as a gentle, caring soul who was always ready with a smile and a hug whenever I saw him. He was such a blessing.
To Keith’s family – my heart goes out to you. My tears are a mixture of sadness at knowing he is gone from this world and joy at knowing he is finally in his true Home.
It’s amazing the effect our four-legged friends can have on us. They make us laugh right when we need the joy, comfort us in our sorrow and love us unconditionally – even when we’ve left them alone all day.
For the past two and a half years the four-legged friend in my life has been a cute little Yorkshire Terrier named Rosco. He was given to my oldest daughter by her paternal grandparents. Raised from a puppy we went through all the stages from accidents on the carpet to the change in his hair color, the emergence of his personality and all the chewing. My daughter taught him how to ring a bell hanging from the doorknob on the front door when he wanted to go out. Incredibly intelligent and full of fearless energy he provided us with endless entertainment.
His favorite pastime was sitting on the back of the couch so he could look out the window. He’d watch neighbor kids play next to our apartment building and you always knew when another animal was outside because he’d bark a welcome, or warning, at each one. Once another animal was spotted, most often another dog, he’d run from the living room, through the hallway to my bedroom at the back of the apartment. I had some boxes stacked up next to the window. He would jump up onto those boxes and bark again, then back to the living room, back to the bedroom… over and over until we either got him to stop or the passing dog was completely out of sight.
He loved curling up next to someone to sleep and at night he’d hop up onto my bed and settle himself between my feet. In the winter he would burrow under any blanket he could find. In fact, my oldest daughter once commented that she didn’t need to buy him little doggy sweaters because he knew how to use a blanket.
This past weekend my daughter came down from the university to pack up more of her things. She’d found an apartment and was excited to get things moved into it. This also meant it was my last weekend with Rosco. He was her dog, after all.
I kept telling myself I wouldn’t miss him all that much. Not having him here meant I wouldn’t have to take him out for a walk in bad weather, or early in the morning. There would be no more worrying that he’d have an accident if I was away too long. I wouldn’t have the added expense of buying dog food. He would no longer sit under my desk and lick my feet, something I could never get him to stop doing.
It wasn’t until my daughter had packed up the last car load and was heading out of the parking lot that the emotion welled up. It was almost like it was my daughter leaving again. As I watched the car pull away I could see Rosco in the front seat. He was up on his hind legs, his front paws resting on the door, looking out the window at me. My heart wrenched just a little bit and the tears came faster to my eyes than I would have thought. It was quite unexpected, really.
So now my home is a little quieter, my feet a little dryer, and I can change my position in bed at night without worrying about waking him up. I know he will be happy with his “mommy” and enjoy running in the park across the street from her apartment. I also know I will see him again when I visit, just like my other children. It will take time to get used to the emptier feel at home but, as with all things, that feeling too will pass.
My daughter called me on Mother’s Day and complained about having to get up at 7am to take Rosco outside because he was barking. I guess she’ll be getting used to a new way of life now as well.
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When the green woods laugh with the voice of joy, And the dimpling stream runs laughing by; When the air does laugh with our merry wit, And the green hill laughs with the noise of it.
Just Breathing... 